I Took a Step into the Darkness

Well, I did it.
I really didn't want to, but I did it anyway.  I called a natural birthing center (Better Birth in Salt Lake City) and got a babysitter so John and I could check it out together, and they do a free consultation and even take out your IUD if you want.


The whole way to the birthing center I felt sick to my stomach about the enormous sacrifice I was about to make.  I have been absolutely dreading being pregnant again with all the puke-y morning sickness, aches and pains, bladder problems, sleeplessness, labor and delivery, the woes of breastfeeding and the roller-coaster of emotions that comes with having a newborn to care for.  And that's just the physical trial.  The emotional anxiety that comes with it isn't something I have words to describe after losing Elizabeth.


And besides, I have two beautiful miracles in my life to cherish everyday.  A boy and a girl, the perfect little family.  Who could ask for anything more?  I feel so content about having two children that I have questioned this decision over and over again.


I was reminded of the way Nephi must have felt when he was told to slice of Laban's head.  Randall Wright told a story at BYU Education Week about how feeling the spirit prompt you to do something doesn't always feel warm and fuzzy.  I could definitely relate to that today.  


I was willfully subjecting myself to a whole lot of future stress, pain and frustration.  I wondered who in their right mind would do something like that.  I wanted to puke.


But we walked into that birthing center and before I could have a tour or talk about the benefits of a non-hospitalized birth she said we could get the IUD out first thing.


So I did it.  And it was easier than I thought it was going to be.  And the more we talked with the midwife, the more comfortable I was about the idea of birthing at that beautiful birthing home without any nurses, IVs, sleep interruptions or needless vaccines.  Just birthing the way women have birthed for thousands of years.


I birthed all 3 of my previous babies without any drugs.  My first labor I wanted to go natural but had NO plan, and then no baby to reward me at the end, so it was basically the worst experience of my life.


My second little Isaac, I used Lamaze (a breathing technique) that totally sucked - literally the air out of me - and left me hyperventilating, panicked, and in pain.  But still was so much better than not having a plan.


With my third baby Amelia, I did hypnobirthing and it was absolutely AMAZING. And yes, I really can say that being in labor and giving birth was an amazing experience because of how empowering it was to deliver her MY way.  I had an amazing doula with me (Thank you Kimberlee!!!) who made me feel strong and comfortable, and I used relaxation techniques that completely relaxed my entire body even in the deepest stages of labor!  I was listening to an MP3 recording of John speaking a soft dialogue I had prepared about how wonderful it was to be bringing Amelia into the world, and how easily my body was opening up so she could descend comfortably.  The nurses left us alone for the most part because I had a doula there so I could do what I wanted.  The best part was that I was able to deliver on my hands and knees, my most instinctive and natural position, because the nurses didn't know I was delivering until I was pushing out her head (I hadn't made any noise at all!) And it was so nice to not be forced onto my back like they did with Isaac and Elizabeth because it's more convenient for them, and incredibly uncomfortable for me.


So I plan to have my sweet amazing doula there again, and to have even more of a natural surrounding in the birthing center, and use the incredible relaxation techniques of hypnobirthing with my sweet husband's voice on an MP3.


And when we got to the car I actually felt excited.  The feeling I haven't had during this whole decision-making process.  Actual, REAL excitement to take prenatal pills, and buy maternity clothes, and eat saltine crackers for 7 weeks straight.  I can't believe I'm doing this again, and I'm excited about it. :)