God works in Mysterious Ways

Four years ago this week my heart was shattered in a million pieces and a beautiful angel came into my life for only a few days. Her short entrance into my world has impacted me more than anything I've ever been through.

Losing her was such a roller-coaster. At the beginning there was overwhelming sadness, mixed with a tremendous outpouring of love and understanding of God's plan. Then, bitterness and anger slowly seeped in and lingered for a long time, finally fading with the birth of my little boy. Then, as the months passed of my busy new life as a mother, it all became very distant. I became almost numb to it all.

And then came Amelia. My heart has never known the joy of mothering a baby girl, and it has brought such healing. In the days after her birth I found myself crying all the time because I was so happy. It is almost surreal.

Four years ago, death visited me unexpectedly. I was in shock at her birth, and had no idea how to react or what to do. I missed her terribly, and I had so many regrets about not holding her long enough, or taking enough pictures. It seemed a horrible mistake that my baby should be born already dead... painful beyond belief. Nothing you would ever imagine happening to you.

But something amazing has happened to me in the last month. I volunteered as a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and have the opportunity to take pictures at the hospital for the families who lose babies. I never could have imagined being strong enough to face that moment again. In fact, I have fallen apart crying both times I have gone. But there is something amazing about it.

The first opportunity I took was for a baby girl born just the same gestation as Elizabeth. At the same hospital. It was WAY too close to home. As soon as I received the text from NILMDTS, I knew this was my shoot. (As volunteers, we get these texts sometimes 2-3 times per week for another baby dying! I cannot believe how often it happens.) When I entered the room of the grieving parents, I felt pretty composed. Until we walked over to see their sweet baby girl. The father walked over with us, and started to cry when he saw her. It was like looking down at my baby Elizabeth again and I remembered everything all at once and started to cry uncontrollably. I was a little embarassed to be bawling in front of these strangers and not looking very professional, but they instantly warmed up to me. (I had told them I'd lost a little girl too).

Then, for nearly an hour, I helped another photographer pose and take pictures of that sweet baby girl. It was so surreal. I felt like I had gone back in time to that moment with Elizabeth. Like all these years of wishing I could go back and do this or that had suddenly come true. It was so completely fulfilling, I can't really describe it. I feel now that I have no regrets with Elizabeth. I have found a new way to honor her with my service, and to mourn with other families who are mourning.

My second opportunity to take pictures, I was the one behind the camera while someone watched me. It was so much harder. The family had first decided to take the baby off life support before we got there, and I was expecting to be taking pictures while the baby was dying (which was overwhelming in itself!) but when we arrived, they had changed their mind. They had us wait outside the room for about an hour, and when they finally let us in, I was fully expecting to see the baby removed, or already gone. But I spent the next hour and a half taking pictures of the grieving parents with their little baby whom they could not bear to let go any time soon. The sweet baby didn't have the lung capacity to make any noise, but she kept crinkling up her little face in pain and looking like she was trying to cry. It ripped my heart out. I cried off and on the entire time. I felt I had to be so gentle with the parents and the baby was hooked up to so much stuff that I was afraid I wasn't getting any good pictures.

It is such a hallowed setting, and such a sacred moment. You almost feel like an intruder snapping pictures of that moment. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I have felt so much healing, and so much love by doing this. I can feel the unseen spirits in the room. It is powerful, and overwhelming at the same time. These babies have the sweetest spirits filling the room too, it is like walking into sacred ground.

I cried all the way home.