The morning of general conference, I had a dream. I was feeling movement in my womb and found
out that I was 20 weeks pregnant with a little baby girl, and I hadn’t even
known it. John and I were feeling
excited, and joking about how awesome it was that I had skipped over the
morning sickness without even realizing I was pregnant. But then it dawned on me that I still had the
IUD, and I was wondering how on earth I got pregnant in the first place. At that same moment, we found out that the
baby wasn’t going to live because the IUD was in there with her.
Then I woke up, wondering if the dream meant something. I turned on conference shortly after, and the
succession of talks sent a clear message to me that family is my most important
calling in this life, that it was time to have another child, that although it
would be difficult, I would be given the strength to meet the challenge, and
that this life is about sacrificing as the Savior did. Every talk that morning spoke that message to
me in its own way.
I was terrified. I
have serious psychological issues about being pregnant for a very valid
reason. After losing our baby girl, the
nine months of repeat pregnancy felt like a slap in the face, and a torturously
long time to wait to hold a baby in my arms.
I was bitter about having to go through it all over again. I was completely unsure about what the result
in the end would be.
The thought of having another child brought extreme anxiety
over the next few weeks. Every time my
two children were stressing me out, I felt the added fear of having another one
in the mix. My depressive moods were
darker and heavier on my mind and heart.
I tried to ignore the idea altogether, but couldn’t get rid of the
responsibility and obligation I felt about the messages I thought I’d been
given.
Then, the other night, it happened again. I felt movement inside me and realized I was
pregnant with the little girl I’d been warned about. I started to panic because I knew I hadn’t
taken the IUD out even after I’d been warned about her coming in a dream. I found myself in the same doctor’s office
finding out I was 20 weeks but our baby wasn’t going to live because I still
had the IUD.
When I woke, I was baffled that I had dreamed the same dream
twice. It might be easier to suppose
that I was dreaming it because subconsciously I’ve been fretting over it. Every time I think about taking that huge
step of getting the IUD taken out, I feel like I’m not ready and push the idea
out of my head.
But this morning, I dreamed about her again. This time she was full term, and I was
holding her protectively like I never wanted to let her go. She was a sweet little doll, and I didn’t
want anyone to touch her. I saw her
beautiful face and can still remember it.
I read somewhere that our brain is not able to create faces
we have never seen before, so our dreams are always filled with the faces of
people we know from our past. With both
Isaac and Amelia, I had dreams about my delivery and holding them in my arms
for the first time, with the sweet assurance that everything was going to be
okay. Both of those dreams came to pass
just as they’d happened in my mind. They
were a sweet message from Heavenly Father in my time of fear and worry during
both of those pregnancies.
Now I have a choice.
I can continue ignoring this feeling in hopes that my life will be
easier without another child to deal with.
I can feel anxiety thinking about whether or not the dream means
anything, or whether I really did get a message from Got about having another
child. I can ignore all of these things
and do what I want for myself, and what I think is best for me.
Or I can have faith and put my trust in Him that He knows
what He is doing with my life, and He knows what’s best for me. I can take His hand and let Him guide me through
this scary journey ahead, and hope that He will be there when it’s more than I
can bear. I can trust that His will is
more important than mine, and follow the Savior’s example of letting mine go.
But I am still terrified about what lies ahead.
3 comments:
I have been slacking in reading blogs. But I have to say when I listened to conference I said, "Someone is getting the "I need to have a baby feeling" and it's not me!" Good luck with your decision. It is hard to take those steps in fear and to really know what those dreams and feelings mean. You will make the best choice you can and then you just need to be happy with whatever you decide.
That certainly is scary. It seems to me, and I may be wrong, that the first two dreams were a warning while the last was a promise. Perhaps the Lord has a child He is going to send you no matter what, and whether you choose to keep the IUD in or take it out will influence her life. I don't know, but it's a thought.
That said, there's a lady in my previous ward who concieved with an IUD. Her baby is due in 5 weeks, apparently healthy and strong, and the IUD is expected to just come out with him when he is born.
May you be blessed with strength, peace, and happiness as you make your decision. It is a difficult one, and understandably so.
I find dreams intriguing. So many of the prophets received revelation through that medium. I would suggest fasting and going to the temple. From reading between the lines I sense you already know what to do. But taking that leap of faith isn't easy. Love you.
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