Every morning I wake up wanting to change the world, but
instead all I end up changing is dirty diapers.
I wake every morning with the motivation, excitement and
energy to do the things that don’t even matter.
Once I realize how stupid my ambitions are, and that my “real” job is to
just be a mother, I sink down from atop of the world and realize I am sitting
in a black hole I can’t get out of.
I want to know why Heavenly Father would allow me to feel
the incredible energy toward this continual flow of ideas if He never intends
for me to act on them or accomplish anything of worldly value.
Every morning I wake with the same question in my mind - “what
is my mission in life?”- without any
answers. Yet over and over again I get
excited about ideas that fuel me, only to realize they are not my purpose
here. And it seems that I have to rediscover
daily that my purpose here is simply to hang out for a while, have some kids,
and wait for Christ to come. If that is
my purpose, I see no reason to be here at all.
Anyone can do that.
The things I value highly are things that would receive worldly
recognition and praise. Writing an
amazing novel, becoming a renowned motivational speaker, being known as an
activist who makes a difference in important issues. These are the things I wake with every
morning and try to work for. But there
is a part of me that keeps saying “motherhood is the only thing that matters,”
and somehow I am supposed to find meaning in these dirty diapers and scrubbing
the same counter top for the billionth time in a row. These things have no value to me. I despise doing them. My heart longs for something bigger.
So I ask myself, are these desires completely wasteful? Must they be bridled and tucked away on a
daily basis so I can realize my true purpose is just to keep on keepin’
on? Or did Father give me these desires
because I really was meant for something more? Something that in my mind seems bigger,
greater, more important and valuable. Just
the sound of it makes me cringe because it’s so engrained in me that Motherhood
is the most important, valuable, great thing that we as LDS women are to do in
this life, and I must have it all backwards in my brain to think there is
something “more”.
5 comments:
You can't write a novel while you "wait around"?
I know, right? It's funny when I'm in that super depressive state I can't even think about something that simple. Then John came home and said, "You know, you don't have to pick one or the other. You CAN do both." And it's like something clicked and I felt a little relieved. :)
Boy can I relate to this. Just yesterday I was listening to Enya and wishing that I had something that made me extra special (like her voice and what she was able to do with it). Yet I don't. I am just ordinary. Nothing special. Like the billions of other women that have lived through time.
I think Satan wants us to feel like that. It's hard not to.. I don't have any answers or advice because I haven't figured it out yet either. I do love being a mother and looking into my children's faces. But, like you, I dislike doing the same thing over and over day in and day out. A job that is never finished.
I get tired of everyone (it seems) telling me to "cherish every moment" because "time goes so fast". I don't cherish every moment. I have a few moments I cherish and I feel like I am just getting through the rest. On the hard days I'm glad time goes by fast. That means that maybe someday I will sleep through the night again or be my own person again or at the very least make it to the end of my day and not have snot or spit up on my shirt.
Yes, you can do both, if you learn to organize yourself I'm still struggling to find that balance. As you have these flows of ideas, you need to examine each one carefully before you decide if it is one that is really worth the time and energy required to pursue it to any degree.
Motherhood has greater joys than worldly accomplishments, if you let yourself see them and stop yearning for things that aren't eternal in their purpose. No one is ever happy who says, "I'll be happy when" and no one ever knows their self-worth when they say "I'll be important when..." Abraham Lincoln had it right when he said "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world". As you tend your children, you are changing the world in ways you don't yet understand.
Heavenly Father gave you an intelligent, active, and creative mind. Yet, are you sure that all of your ideas are from Him? I'm not saying they aren't, but I am saying that it's something for you consider if you haven't already. There is One who will send every thing he can your way to keep you from having peace and joy in the life the Father gives you. You know that. The hard part, for me oftentimes at least, is figuring out which of my ideas and yearnings are from him, or from Him.
Anyway, just my thoughts as I read that. Take or leave them as you wish, I won't be offended. I wish you joy. And fulfillment, however it is that you need to come by that.
Love you.
Thanks ladies for your thoughtful comments. It's nice to get all of my thoughts out on a page and know that others can relate. I tend to have WAY more ideas than I can ever do, and definitely have to sort through them to see which of them is even worth doing or is beneficial to the world, and what's just silly. I think it's good to have time to do our own thing, hobbies if you will, while watching after the little ones. It can get really lonely being surrounded by children and I like to have an outlet. But of course I love and cherish being their mother and the opportunity to see them grow up. I'm looking forward to blogging more about the joys of motherhood because it will help me to notice them more. ;)
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