Two pieces of sad news this weekend. It helps to write, so that's what I do. I hope you don't mind.
First, we've been renting for 3 years now, and I've spent those 3 years dreaming and hoping for the house I want to live in and make my own.
But recently I've started feeling more gratitude for the place I live and just feeling happy and content with my life, and not feeling those feelings of envy, or lack, or want. And it's been so nice to just be happy with what I have.
But then in our searching, we actually finally found our dream house... it had everything we want in a house and none of the things we'd like to avoid in a house, it was in our price range, and we put in an offer. I was actually feeling like we're finally doing it... we're finally going to have a place to call our own, to be able to paint the walls and decorate how I want to, to get out of my parent's house and stop worrying about taking care of their insanely high-maintenance yard.
But alas, we didn't get it. So after going from feeling content with where we are, I got my hopes up about actually owning again, and then dropped back down to starting over with the search... and I'm tired of the searching.
People think it's a buyer's market right now because the house prices have dropped so much... but that's just it- no one wants to sell their house at a loss, so the only houses ON the market at all are Short Sales (which of course means the swarming amount of buyers are all fighting over the few houses there are, and then it's a painstaiking process to actually get them to go through.) It is neither a buyer's market nor a seller's market. It's just a very big mess that I'd really like to not care about right now.
I just want to feel like I'm not in a temporary place. I want to feel happy with where we are, and not feel like we're still waiting to have a place we can really call home.
On to the second bit of news. After getting my IUD out and finally being excited about having another one, I charted all my fertility stats this month and felt sure I knew the day we would conceive, and then I even had the sign of implantation on the exact day it would have happened... but implantation obviously didn't work out because it turned into an early AF.
It's funny how I went from not wanting another baby at all to being impatient about him/her coming. If I could just skip the whole 9 months and jump right to the newborn in my arms, I would have the baby tomorrow. Pregnancy is just a nightmare for me. The daily anxiety of knowing my baby could die any second is really out of control, and 9 months is a long time to deal with that.
I guess I figured if God wanted me to have one and gave me the gift of excitement back, then it was time. But it will probably turn out that He's just giving me another lesson on patience. He took me from not wanting a baby, to wanting one a lot, and I just know the next step is that I'll be waiting a long time for him/her. Life is just ironic like that. Just think... Instead of feeling anxious, impatient and disappointed - I could still be blissfully and contentedly not wanting any more children. Same goes for the house hunt. What a roller-coaster.
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